Picture yourself, laying under a sheet, in a darkened room…soft music playing, and in walks a hot Russian massage therapist. He quietly asks “Where do you need special attention?” and for a brief moment, you want to tell him. Ha! But then you lie, and say “Nowhere *special*, but my shoulders have been tensing up.”
No, this is not some daydream or trashy romance novel; this was my real massage experience just the other day. My life has been stressful lately. Wait. I need to rephrase that...my life has been over-the-moon stressful. Highly agitating. Pressure-and-stress-beyond-
So, for Christmas, my very generous mother gave me a very generous gift certificate to my favorite massage studio. There, I found the nirvana that is: male therapists. I had never had a male therapist before…being a large, ample, pooh-sized woman, it’s an uncomfortable and embarrassing thing to be semi-nude in a dark room with a man other than your loving and supportive husband…but one day, I simply had no choice, so I accepted. AND I WILL NEVER GO BACK. I have a theory about why my male therapist experience was so life-changing. I prefer extremely firm pressure. Stress-filled muscles like mine, hidden under a couple of extra layers of….skin, (yeah, extra skin!) require someone with sharp elbows, steel bones, and a sadist’s outlook on life. If I don’t get an elbow ground down deep into my shoulder blade, it just ain’t gonna cut it for me. It’s not a true massage if I’m not near tears at least a few times during the hour. Yes, yes... soothing soft touch is wonderful too, and I want a balance, but my muscles need to be beaten into submission.
When you ask a woman to do this, they really have to ramp it up. Let’s face it…political correctness aside, we ladies generally are not as strong as men. So to apply the REALLY hard pressure that I need, a female therapist has to go beyond her normal application of pressure, and summon up all her strength. This rarely, in my limited massage experience, lasts long enough to truly work out the kinks. After a ferocious burst of effort, I can feel the strength ebb out of her fingers and arms...and eventually, the huffing and puffing begins while she slowly winds down and tries to get her heart rate back to normal. I end up feeling bad for them, and the next time she asks if she's doing it hard enough, I say "Oh yeah, that's perfect." *sigh*
But for a guy…they often come equipped with near-monstrous levels of strength. During THEIR massage training, they simply have to learn to harness their strength, and get to spend the entire time learning to perfect the art of soothing, supplicating and caressing. So when I say “I like firm pressure…like REALLY hard,” their eyes light up, and their little boy excitement of being able to use their entire physical range is fun to watch. They spend the entire massage asking constantly if the pressure is too much, and I purr back “No, it’s perfect…more, please.”
So Dimitri and Austin at Hand & Stone spa at the Loop, I salute you. I thank you for spoiling me for any future female massage therapist in the world. All inappropriate references to a hot Russian asking me if I ‘want any more special areas taken care of’ aside, my husband might thank you too…I have not asked him nearly as often lately to work out my knotty (naughty..haha, see that very appropriate word play I inserted in there??) shoulders for me, because I come home a melted puddle of happily relaxed, bruised and subjugated muscle…ready to do battle with the world. At least until I enter that 97 degree house and do battle with that itty-bitty bug.
2 comments:
Jen, you should try the female massage therapists in Taiwan. The lady Timmy had left deep purple bruises on his back, she used so much pressure. He refused to go back to her. The guy I had did wonderful for me the first time, but the second time the pressure was too much for me, only with the language barrier, I couldn't tell him so. At one point I thought he was trying to kill me, and I was paralyzed to the table. Of course I don't have the extra skin that you do, so perhaps you would have enjoyed it more than I.
Jen - Thanks so much for the giggles! You always make such wonderful sense of this crazy world! I hear ya on the wonderful male muscles behind a good massage... only 1 woman has ever been able to give me a great massage, and she worked out so many toxins, I ended up in the hospital 2 days later. She was amazing and the stress pockets in my back and shoulders through the extra skin felt amazing!
Darcy
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