I broke my funny...

Sorry folks, my funny got broken.  I have always intended for my blog to be a humorous and light-hearted look at the craziness that is our life..but I suppose it wouldn’t be real and honest if it didn’t occasionally explore the darker, crazed side of my “crazed life as a homeschooling mother of 6”.    The end quarter of the year, all the way through February is what Bill and I lovingly and laughingly call “Kimball Crazy Quarter”..and it’s a time filled with the normal stressful holidays, our anniversary, and not one, not two, but 4 birthdays for our family.  So understandably, my stress level rises during this period anyway.  Add to it the exceptional hardships we’ve been facing financially through our layoffs, the new added stress of a job that doesn’t fit my personality and a few tragic and horrific situations for family and friends, and it’s a recipe for a personal fitting of a white coat for me.

I’ve struggled lately with severe feelings of self-doubt, plummeting self-confidence, worry about the future , and even confusion about what I WANT from our future.  I had dreams…they were to have a beautiful family, wonderful husband, and a job at Walt Disney World.  Have, Have and Had.  Now what?  It’s definitely time to re-evaluate and set some new goals, but that’s where the self-doubt is coming in.  Our financial hole is so deep, I can’t see the top, let alone the beautiful horizon.

Homeschooling fills part of that horizon.  I see my children enjoying each other’s company, I see Bill and I really reconnecting with them and learning much more of their personalities that I ever would have known if they were in daycare and school for 8+ hours per day.  For this, I am grateful.  It gives me small, meaningful goals for the day, the week, and even a year’s worth, but still, I feel lost.  I worry that my depressive episodes will cause me to lose focus on this particular goal, and that wouldn’t just hurt me, it would absolutely be damaging to the girls and their future.  So the self doubt creeps in, and makes me wonder if they wouldn’t be better off back in school.  I know every homeschooling parent experiences some measure of this worry, but mine are just exacerbated now with my overall hot mess.

I could spend an entire blog complaining about my job, but I’ll just say that I do love Hilton.  I love most of the people I work with.  I could easily see myself leading this team, supporting them in this very difficult job of telemarketing, but the actual job of being on the phone, suffering the abuse of a nation of people that feel it’s ok to demean, demoralize and otherwise rudely treat me simply because I’m a telemarketer is so hard to endure.  Each sale equals success, and refills my bucket a little bit, and the rare no-sale with a wonderful person and a great conversation does as well. 

  But when in a 6.5 hour shift, and well over 400 calls results in no sales, my bucket is empty, overturned, stomped on, and has a hole drilled in it.  Filling it with a success just becomes that much harder.  I’m told I’m very good at this job.  My superiors say that my style on the phone is awesome, and I’m the best of the best.   This is so hard to believe after someone has just cursed at me, and told me I’m worthless because I happened to call them during their 7:47pm dinner.  I can see a future with this company as a leader, and I’m making inroads toward that end, but the emotions that threaten to bubble over and become on display are endangering the professional demeanor I struggle to present.  For those who say “why wait until you can be promoted? If it’s that hard on you emotionally, find something else!”….I’m trapped.  Utterly and absolutely without options.  The money I make when the going is good is absolutely enough to make it impossible to leave.  There are zero comparable options out there for someone like me, with no degree and with my need for reasonable hours and legal work.  I mean, I suppose I could be a prostitute, but then we’d spend so much on bail money, lawyers, etc.   *sigh*  And face it, there’s only so much of a niche market for gals like me.  (ok..so my funny is bruised, not necessarily broken.) 

I struggle with exhaustion.  A job that requires so much mental Olympics and verbal sparring until 10:30 or later each night, means that I am too keyed up to sleep until well into the wee hours of the morning.  In turn, this results in me having to sleep later, cutting into exercise time, homeschooling time, errands, housework, etc..something has to give, and often, it’s ALL of the above, rather than just one or two things.  All of this feeds back into the overwhelming feelings of worthlessness  that are becoming harder and harder to rise above.  On numerous occasions, I’ve called one friend or another only to burst into tears and blubber my way through a rant on how awful my life is.  To those friends who have endured those calls, I can only apologize and thank you for listening.

At the risk of making this the longest post ever, I’ll wind down by saying that I DO remember the positive things in my life.    I do see the value in my beautiful family and my wonderful, generous husband.  I recognize the luck I have in that regard and I count the little things among those things I value the most. 

A husband that continues to get my car door for me, 13 years into our relationship.  He is the best of the best in so many ways, and he supports me  99.5% through all of this, even while dealing with his own feelings of stress and struggle with our situation.  I say 99.5% because no one can truly support 100% the sour moods I get into.  It’s impossible to ask of someone, and he occasionally is just done with them, has his say, and then he slips back into the wonderfully supportive man I know.  I would love to just have him welded to my side.

A talented, intelligent son who has risen above his own personal challenges of autism, and is successfully navigating college life in pursuit of a physics degree.

A beautiful, creative teenage daughter, who while exhibiting normal teenage attitude, continues to provide invaluable assistance to me and her father while we get through this difficult period in our life.

Little girls who love unconditionally, and who always are a source of laughter and fun. 

Our health..recent events with friends and children of friends make me so grateful that my children are healthy and that they continue to thrive. 

Homeschooling.  I am so grateful to have found this outlet for my energy and my need to plan and set goals.  With no other goals in my personal life to strive for at the moment, this becomes a good focus for me, and I get to be closer to my girls.

Friends who listen.  My circle of friends is wide and varied.  I am continually entertained on Facebook, so when I’m at my darkest, reading their observations and anecdotes of their lives truly help me get back on track, at least for that moment, and I gain a lot of positive energy from that.

This blog.  I am grateful that I started this, and I’m grateful for the wonderful feedback I’ve gotten.  My family is special to me, and I’m glad that at least a few of you enjoy their antics.  I’m sorry to post something that is seemingly so out of character, but truly, this is just another side of Jennifer, one that not as many people see.  I am fairly good at faking it most of the time, but lately, I’m just so tired.  I do promise to find my funny again soon, and I am taking notes of the little things that happen.  Maybe another thankful list will be forthcoming soon.

Much love and sincere thanks for popping in and spending time with me.  I promise to follow doctor’s orders regarding my broken or bruised funny, and will be on the mend.