The life of a compulsive planner is fraught with danger. If not danger, at least drama. If not drama, at least some irritating inconveniences. Today, Friday, we were supposed to get on the road by noon, according to my gloriously detailed timeline. But, after some last-minute primping appointments went long, we ended up deliriously late. I mean, when you’ve got an adorable 8 year old wannabe actress ready to hit Hollywood, you can’t skip the basics. So we got our nails done, had a spray-tan, got a weave to make her hair thicker, tattooed some eyeliner on so she always looks perky, a little seaweed/sea salt wrap for brighter skin, a bikini wax, and a couple of botox injections, and then we were ready to go!
Ok, I’m kidding. But do you REALLY want to read that I had to get gas, and the cheapest way for us is to go alllll the way down Lancaster to the Fred Meyer where we get three cents off a gallon, and that I had to pick up homemade chocolate chip cookies at Grandma’s, and battle the crowds at Winco to purchase 4 weeks worth of Spaghettios and Apple Jacks? Oh, wait..you WOULD rather know that I’m human?? Ok, suit yourself.
So anyway, some things we learned in 24 hours on the road, and in our first couple of days.
1. Two Kimballs with baby bladders can make a 15 hour drive into a 24 hour drive.
2. Expecting Casadie to entertain me and keep me awake was an exercise in futility. After an hour and a half of excited chatter, she was out like a light and snoring. This continued off and on throughout the day.
3. When you pull over to pee on the side of the road, and you painstakingly park the car at JUST the right angle so it’s less obvious that you’re illegally participating in public urination, and a trillion cars are passing you at 80mph, and next to the freeway is about 500 cows….at least 10 of those cows will stare. Uncomfortably so. When they get their fill of the peep show, they will immediately go moo to their friends, and it spreads like wildfire throughout the herd. 200 miles later, cows were seen ripping up the “Eat mor Chiken” signs, and posting new ones that said “Got bladder?” Damn gossipy bovines. At least I keep my udders covered, you bitches.
4. Some idiot, somewhere, at some time, decided that it would be a good business venture to take ACTUAL Scorpions and place them in lollipops. That you put in your mouth. They looked like the amber-covered mosquitos from Jurassic Park. I’d sooner battle a velociraptor than lick one of them damn pops… On a COMPLETELY UNRELATED NOTE,,..Bethanie..we got you a souvenir!
5. One hotel’s “kitchen package” is not necessarily like another’s. We have been temporarily bumped to another extended stay facility due to capacity, and the kitchen is stocked with exactly 2 forks, 2 knives, 1 spoon and a pan. My other place is supposed to have wine glasses, pot holders, artisian cheese slicers from Italy, a melon baller and a 214-piece Tupperware set among the more tepid offerings. These managers have no idea who they are dealing with. To downgrade a former Disney Manager who brought a block of Tillamook Cheddar cheese and now has NO GRATER TO GRATE IT WITH…heads are gonna roll, I tell you.
6. Do NOT pack your favorite jeans on the bottom of a 700-gallon suitcase. You will experience 10 minutes of extreme panic that you have no pants for a month, and WILL be experiencing every teenage nightmare of being pantsless. In Hollywood.
7. While I did find my pants and do not have to subject the greater Hollywood population to me being pantsless, they do have to deal with me being off my feed from not having my hair dryer. Yes, the hotel has a substitute...but you just don’t understand. I’ve had my trusted hair dryer for 20 years. Yes, 20 years. It’s a professional model, so the buttons are on the wrong side, and I’m used to it. Any old substitute won’t work...because if you know me, you know I have thick hair...these little crappy “squeeeeeeeeeeeeee” type motors won’t cut it. I need a reconditioned 747 jet engine strapped to a vent and an electrical cord. Seriously.
8. I CANNOT sleep in the same bed as Casadie for 3.5 weeks. I was looking forward to the snuggle time, because she’s such a good snuggler, but OMG, that girl flip flops like a trout slapped up on a beach. I swear she was kicking me on purpose. I have bruises that are in places I didn’t know could bruise. Yes I do. I lasted exactly 15 minutes after she fell asleep before I jumped to our other bed. When we are moved back to our studio apartment we’re supposed to have, that girl is relegated to an air mattress, which I very intelligently threw in the car, just in case.
9. Casadie is very astute. When trying to convince her to go on California Screamin’ when we were let into the parks by friends, I explained that “even Aunt Gina went on it, and she’s a chickenbutt!” Casadie retorted, VERY OFFENDED, “Aunt Gina’s not a chickenbutt!!! She’s just short!” As I nearly flipped my car on the freeway from laughing so hard, Casadie further mused “It’s true. She’s not as tall as real ladies, but I love her anyway.”
10. Do not allow yourself to get hungry and dehydrated before going on the giant fun wheel at Disney’s California Adventure. I’m not joking. I’m doing this trip on a severe budget, so while in the parks, I bought meals for the girl and just picked a little off her plate, figuring it would hold me over until we got back to the hotel. Casadie wanted the swinging cars, which are jaw-droppingly scary if you aren’t expecting it. If you board with a slight hunger headache, and the beginnings of heat exhaustion…fuggedabowdit. I learned I have a whole new capacity for “throwing up a lil’ bit in my mouth”. Who wants to puke in a cage with 3 strangers and sit there and stare at it for 20 more minutes? Not this chicka. “Gulp.” The last time I got motion sickness was a whale-watching cruise 17 years ago when I was pregnant with Bethanie. I don’t GET motion sickness. Totally ruined the ride, and my very nice chat with my very nice friend Erick who met me there since we haven’t seen each other for several years.
11. On a much nicer note, I learned that Casadie is a sharp and keen observer of details. She THRILLED future imagineer Alex Williams by pointing out subtle themeing details at the parks. She knew it was an oddity and should be considered wrong to place “Brother Bear” references on an “UP” themed area. (It had previously been a Brother Bear area, and Disney left several references to BB intact…it’s policy of late being to cater to the lowest denominator of Guest, it saves money that way.
12. Finally, I’ll sign off saying that I learned this camp is going to be one rollicking roller coaster ride for Casadie and myself. As a camper, she gets INTENSE preparation from working actors, and as a Mom, I get intense preparation in being the best type of parent for a working child actor. Agents and Casting directors sometimes cast for the whole package, knowing they have to work with the parents almost as much. I’ve learned about Coogan Savings Accounts, Work Permits…etc. We also learned that Casadie will already be part of a commercial shoot on Wednesday…Adrian is using all of his campers in the background for a website commercial. More details as I get them. She also gets to attend a taping of Good Luck Charlie, including a backstage tour and photos/autographs. I’ve got one bouncing-off-the-walls kiddo here.
See you later, so much to do! Casadie looks a little tired…now where did I lay that botox syringe???? J
***For those readers not following me on Facebook....This post refers to my daughter Casadie who desires to be an actress, and her opportunity to attend an acting camp in Hollywood with Adrian R'Mante, from the Suite Life of Zach and Cody, as well as other celebrities. Casadie and I are in Southern California for 3.5 weeks so she can have this adventure.
